how do you do? i'm gloria. Christian. Art has encompassed my life, music is a large part of it also. you'll find pokemon, video games, artwork, music, and whatever else I fancy. Strike up a conversation with me.I have fulfilled the basic necessities for a suicidal person.
Started alienating self from “friends” one by one? Check.
Loathe thyself? Check.
Drastic shift in attitude? Check.
I wonder if I really am. Is this another shit phase? If so, make it fast and move right along please.
I’ve just tagged a page of my own personals, so I have access to my thought processes throughout the years, days, whatever it may be.
I realize now that I used to be so much happier last year, I feel like I once had someone, something, worth living for (subtle Mulan reference? not intentional.). Now I look back on my happy posts and mourn. I’ve realized that I have no true friends. I keep trying to convince myself that this one person, maybe this person is different; maybe they understand everything. From my insecurities to my awkwardness, and to be intuitive and sensitive. I guess it’s far too much to ask of anybody, especially myself. I realize now that in order to even desire such a thing, I have to make sure that I myself can become this so called “ideal personality” I’ve created. Yet I have concluded that I do in fact have issues within myself, I’m not nearly as good as I sometimes unwittingly make myself out to me. I’ll sometimes have the ridiculous notion that I’m not a bona fide idiot and that maybe I possess something that has more depth than meets the eye.
I struggle with these ideas, and conclude that in the end, it’s all irrelevant. Besides, it’s not like anyone really cares. No matter what anyone says, it’s all bullshit. Excuse my language, I promised myself that I’d be formal here. Guess I can’t even do that properly. I’m really writing this because I realize that I myself try too hard, I don’t have a personality. It’s completely devoid of any originality, and I’m not as eccentric as I’d I like to perpetuate. I think I’m really a shadow, nothing more than a filler for people until something better scuttles along. (Though I guess in reality, we all strive for excellence and to perpetually improve upon ourselves, our lifestyles, and what have you.) This is such a reiteration of things, but it really hit home today at the concert/art show/alumni show.
Normally I’d be alright, everything would be bottled up inside. (Tangent: Every time i use this term, i think of the time when I had to see the school psychiatrist in the flipping THIRD grade because I had problems with my life and hated myself even back then. She told me that, “See, I think the underlying problem with you is that you don’t share anything, and that you bottle it up all inside your heart, until it finally overflows and explodes. This is why you break down crying at random intervals.” ((Okay, paraphrased but..))
I also record down my thoughts because I truly think it’s important to document the stages of the adolescent mind, even if it is just my own. Nothing about me is really that interesting, I think I just try to perpetuate it, and i guess people are so blind as to believe it. Writing also helps you to reflect on yourself, and realize all the good thins in life. The saddest part though, is that even though my brain recognizes how blessed I am and howhappyIshouldbe, I’m not. I don’t think I’ve ever been truly happy for longer than a few hours at a time. This always seems to be around people I love. However, I also loathe them, because I feel ridiculously insecure next to them. They’re always far more introspective than I, and vastly more interesting to dissect and get to know. I’m such an attention seeker, aren’t I.
Can I be as happy as I used to be? What about my life was so good at that interval? It certainly hasn’t been a transient phase.
(Source: rawranimals)
i watch performances of classical music and just cry. all the time.
